Archive for June, 2013

How to fix a smile.

Posted: June 25, 2013 in Personal
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Many times in my life I have felt broken, unworthy,  unloved and I think at some point in all of our lives, we all do. So many challenges are thrown at us and they say (the anonymous they, or Kelly Clarkson) what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

I felt my un prettiest at pivotal points in my life that I remember distinctly. The first day of PE at school in Std 6 when I felt plain and far too hairy. Matric, when my psoriasis got so out of control that I battled to shake it before my matric dance. After the births of my daughter’s, particularly the second one, feeling overweight and like nothing fits. Then, today, when my dentist basically told me I’m becoming a geriatric before my time.

I’m not one for aesthetics but I try my best to look presentable. My teeth have been a bone of contention for many years… the one aesthetic I wish I had the financial resources to fix for good. When I was growing up, we saw a dentist. Yes, just one. When the sh1t hit the fan. For example,  my cousin swung a golf club in my mouth and a cap was needed. Face first into the concrete at warmbaths and another cap was needed. A recurring abscess that meant recurring visits to WITS dental school for antibiotics and a drainage. The truth is, we didn’t get our bi annual check ups like we needed. I didn’t get braces, like I needed and the first time I actually saw a dentist for a check up was when I was earning my own money,  finally on a medical aid and was about 19.

The problems I have today because of this are endless. My teeth are brittle and break or crack at the first sign of pressure. The norm is bleeding gums and fillings. I wear a denture / plate for the tooth that was taken out at third strike thanks to my oldest daughter who back handed me at about 8 weeks old. Finally I am on a decent medical aid plan that will cover some better options and today was the day my doctor told me what’s what.

After many an x-ray and disapproving looks, it’s decided that I will have 5 teeth removed from the front top row and a new denture put in place. 2 broken teeth roots will also be removed by a specialist in theatre. When that’s done, I go back to the dentist chair for a root canal and multiple fills. Thankfully my dentist has agreed to the extractions being done in theatre due to an immense fear of the dentist chair caused by an 80 year old dentist who, after 14 injections, pulled my very impacted wisdom teeth from my mouth with an archaic set of pliars.

This all sounds remarkably gruesome and the truth is I’m terrified. I am so scared of all these procedures and honestly if I could,  I’d fast forward to September. What hurts more is the fact that at the age of 28, I will be wearing a denture on which 6 false teeth will rest. Good thing I’m already married :(

Yes, further treatment may happen later. The plan is to hopefully get implants, though my gums have receded considerably already and this probably won’t be an option. Even if it’s possible,  could I afford it? Probably not.

This blog is a bit TMI but I’m upset and hurt and feeling horrible about myself. Maybe someone,  somewhere, has or will be experiencing the same thing?  Maybe someone knows just how unpretty I’m feeling. Maybe someone other than my dentist can help me fix my smile.

PS. What have I learnt from this horrid experience?  Look after your teeth people.  Look after your children’s teeth. Wake up tomorrow,  make those appointments. You only get one set of teeth, take care of them. My daughters now have beautiful sets of teeth and see my dentist twice a year :)

Daily motivation

Posted: June 22, 2013 in Motivational
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Best movie EVER

Posted: June 21, 2013 in Personal
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We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong, but we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain… …and an athlete… …and a basket case… …a princess… …and a criminal.

I watched a pretty good movie recently called Pitch Perfect. No, it’s hardly the best movie ever… Does it feature in my top ten? Probably not. What this movie did do however, is spark my love for the only movie that I can watch over and over again without ever getting tired of a pretty good looking Judd Nelson! There have been other movies, some come close (Empire Records being a good competitor) but no movie was as awesome as the cult classic, The Breakfast Club.

It’s difficult to listen to that all too familiar song by Simple Minds without visualizing Bender, back to the camera, dust in the air and freeze frame. I’m not even a Simple Minds fan but I know every word to ‘Don’t you forget about me’ all thanks to my all time favorite movie… Hard to believe that I was only a year old when the movie was released and barely an embryo at its setting.

I can’t tell you when I first watched it, my guess is sometime during high school, on a poor quality, recorded from TV, VHS tape. Probably the best time in my life to have watched it considering I found a way to relate to each and every character, further emphasizing there is a little bit of each of them in all of us… Heck, I can still relate, just depends on the day I am having :) I remember a total obsession with the movie and having the biggest 90’s crush on a very 80’s (and sexy) Judd Nelson, sadly the years weren’t so kind.

I find it difficult to believe when someone tells me they’ve never seen The Breakfast Club… Take my husband for example. We met online and within the 2 weeks we were chatting before we actually met, I made him download and watch it. Only then would I consider dating him :) It’s that bad!!! It is sad to know that this movie will be lost somewhere in time, lost to a new and younger generation.

So the story line wasn’t the greatest, there are no graphic effects and its hardly the best acting in the world. It’s a classic and it has history… And if you haven’t watched it, do me a favor and do. I am trying to convert the masses, one Bender fan at a time.

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To drive… or not to drive.

Posted: June 20, 2013 in Personal
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I get a lot of flack from a lot of people about the fact that I’m 28 years old and simply will not drive a car.

The people who give me the most flack are definitely the people who care about me the most. They want to see me mobile, independent and free. Sadly, I would love the same thing.
The truth is, I am not sure I will ever drive and not for lack of trying. In June 2007 (5 years ago) at the age of 23, I had a car accident that left me scarred (Literally and figuratively) for life.

When I turned 16 and wanted to get an ID book, I couldn’t. My parents had misplaced my British birth certificate which had to be reapplied for in the UK by my grandparents. By the time I got this birth certificate I was nearly 20 years old. When I finally got it, I did my learner’s licence and passed. At the same time my life caught up with me… I fell pregnant, worked long hours, left my daughter’s father, lived in Alberton and Edenvale and Fourways all in the space of 2 years… all this time passed me by, then my learners expired. Because I couldn’t afford a car, getting one was not a top priority.

Then… the car accident happened.

I wasn’t driving (Obviously) but put my trust into a friend who had been drinking. At 2am in the morning, sans seatbelt, we hit a tree after sliding on a wet sand pile at approximately 100kms about 100 metres from my house. I hit the windscreen with such force that my head shot through the windscreen but because I was pinned by a crunched bonnet and dashboard I was pulled back into the car (Again, through the windscreen). The jaws of life were used to cut me from the car and I was taken to hospital where I underwent a multitude of tests including CT scans and MRI’s.

My injuries were thankfully not too bad and I have mostly recovered. I had a bad laceration to the knee with cartilage damage which had me on crutches for 2 months. I had 6 weeks of plastic surgeon visits in an effort to heal the scarring that covered my face but worst of all, I’ve not been able to drive since.

I cannot tell you why but I have developed a serious fear of driving. After recovering from my physical injuries I attempted my learner’s again and passed for a second time. When it came to actually driving,  it took me at least a year to sit in the front seat of a car in the passenger seat, let alone the drivers seat. Every time I’d get into a car and try to drive, I would panic. I would have anxiety attacks and nervous reactions. I was a wreck (no pun intended). I did see a counsellor and after defining that it was a true fear of a car, we established it could take years to get over it.

I decided to get myself a scooter and had no problem. Confident on the road, comfortable and no issues whatsoever.  This put my car driving on the back burner as I no longer needed to get one. I was mobile. Right up until I was pregnant with my second daughter I drove my bike and miss it still!

Now I’m at a point where everyone is pushing me to drive again. In the last few years there have been a few attempts at this driving a car thing and every time with the same result. I freak out, clam up, hyper ventilate and just cannot do it no matter how many lessons, who tries to teach me, what car I’m in or where I’ve tried to practice. I’ve tried it all. Just writing about me actually driving a car makes me feel nervous and uneasy. I just can’t do it :(

I don’t know where to from here. I want to drive, I want to be independent. I want to be mobile and not rely on anyone for lifts or be stuck because we only have one car. I don’t want to be like my mom and only get a driver’s license at 40 but I just can’t do it. I’ve decided to get a bike again when I come into some money and get that road experience back but driving a car? I don’t think so.

No one understands just how severe this fear really is and I am afraid it will hinder me at work and it hinders me every day when I feel ill just because I have to get into a car to go anywhere.

That’s my sob story. I am 28 and I can’t drive. :(

It’s been said a thousand times and I will say it again. Any male can procreate, adding to the human population without a need to bat an eyelid. It takes a true man to be a father.

A father is someone who will offer advice, be firm but not unreasonable. Be protective but not obsessive. Love and not enslave. He will hold your hand when needed, hug when the time is right, scold in moments of youth and share in times of weakness.

A father will give unconditionally without need for return and will sing words of praise to his sons and daughters for the sole purpose of building their spirit selflessly.

A father will provide shelter, food, education, love and security for his child as second nature. He may not be the most affectionate but affection is not absent completely. He may not be the most talkative but conversation may take place freely. He may not know all the answers, yet he knows all the lessons to teach me.

A father is a confidante, a conscience, a jury and a lifelong best friend.

A father may not be bound by blood but he is sure to be bound by love.

Today I am thankful for the man in my life who has shown by daughters what a true man and father really is…

Happy Fathers Day.

I never thought I was a good writer, in truth I was not writing for recognition or praise. For many years, writing has been an outlet into which I have poured my deepest and darkest feelings. Like any good writer, I am normally inspired by heartache, pain, anguish and sadness and so most of my writings reflect just that.

All the ‘Writings’ that I published on this site for you tonight are part of a very long, very confusing journey of mine. They were pieces written some time ago (Years in fact) when I was at a time in my life that even I did not understand. I was battling an internal spiritual battle which I feel I have now overcome. I was between a few hurtful and confusing relationships which by now I have long forgotton (Happily married). I was young and I was putting my cry for help to paper…

Re reading these pieces often makes me feel like I did actually need some sort of help, that all the words that spilled into my computer or from my pen was a different form of an SOS… yet here I am, self medicated by the power of writing.

I cringed as I read some of my old works… some of them also made me see that I do have a talent in writing and wish that it was something I had chosen to pursue, only I am certain that if that was the case I would have to have a pretty miserable life to churn out some good stuff :) There are a few happier and more positive pieces, I dont however feel they are as good!

Take your time to read them… there are a few. Comments and criticisms are welcome but not a requirement. Call this reflection, therapeutic.

Adieu*

Your War

Posted: June 14, 2013 in Writings
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Never fail to remember from that which you run,
For within, tis reason yourself to become
The reason in you, to think, to be
The validity encompassing all in me
The dark, in her glory, does best to shade
In truth, your soul she irks and raids
Though future iis bright, stars are few
Inevitably moon wakes to nurture you
Clouds run amuck, gather for rain
The way you feel, you reel in pain
A glance, a stare, a crooked smile
How you forget when good runs dry
To wake tomorrow, merely a day
Not one can chase these fears away
Mental abuse daily inflicted on self
The alternative to conscious hell

Pain and tears and sadness rife
Fear, disbelief for your tales of strife
This is indeed your creation, indeed your life
Only to be removed, dismembered by your knife

You forget the blade in time does blunt
The good, no need for you to hunt
Evil and dark too easy you now shunt
Behind she lurks, you lead out front

Tall and good finally you remain
No more leech your life to drain

And amongst the black and night
Your soldier, I, with you did fight

Your Sleep

Posted: June 14, 2013 in Writings
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Golden sheen upon your skin…
Moon shine between the curtains
Catch your eye lashes
Short gasps escape
Beneath the sheets
Inter twined fingers unlock…
Comatose contortion
He who once faced away
Now beats and breathes
In my direction
Beneath your eyelids
Cornea’s prance and dance
Your body ever still
Lips in song
Mouth unmoving
Dimpled corners curl
Forming soothing smiles
Comforting as you dream
Silent and calm
Emotions play across your face
Nose and eyes awash
With the mischief of slumber
In the thick of the dark
This quiet numbs me
Entranced by the security
Of your sleep in my wake
Gentle and soft
Whilst my own sleep eludes me
I lay
I watch
I drift…
Goodnight

You

Posted: June 14, 2013 in Writings
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To look in the mirror, and not know your own worth
Is a fate that is lonely, no fate could be worse.
The brave face you wear daily, grows tiresome and weak
This face that is practiced, rehearsed and meek
Yet the strength you carry, stays strong and true
This army of a woman, this rock that is you
Without you I crawl, you guide me to walk
And whenever I need watching, you become my hawk
In times requiring counsel, wise words it is you share
And yet when there is silence, the assurance is that you are there
Perhaps not always in physics, sometimes not near but far
I am confident in you, this amazing woman that you are
Know that you are loved, without you I would not be
And having you around makes me a better me
Never lose this sense of worth, this fate that tears one down
You are too beautiful to be seen and caught with but a frown
Keep true to who you are, this spirit of calm it is you guide
From yourself you must not run, and from me must never hide
The world would be a miserable place, a void you would leave
Without your words of wisdom, your happiness that you weave
The rosy cheeks that smile, the blue eyes that shine
I am so proud too know, you are my friend, all mine
Though it gives me great upset, to know I have to share
Someone else will reap the benefits, knowing you are there.
And in the end they borrow you, never long may they keep
This friend of mine I love so dear, for my tears shall weep
Do not leave me diamond, do not leave me true
The only friend I know so well, that awesome gem is

Within Yourself

Posted: June 14, 2013 in Writings
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In the mirror, you look upon this foreign face
A face too foreign to greet back in reflection
You gawk and you wonder at whom it is you stare
When you move, the apparent likeness moves with you

Upon remembrance, you were told not to lose yourself
And in this duplication’s eyes you see yourself
Far beneath its shadow you have lost yourself
You turn to run, to chase, to free yourself

Palm to glass you touch this image
As all around you do, you wish to push through you
Yet at the speculum tis your hand that stops
Desperation apparent on your counterparts expression

You told yourself not to lose yourself
This obvious representation is yourself
You promised you would be yourself
Entrapped, still trying to leave yourself

Now you see you did as others wanted
You gave the world what they wanted to see
Yet you look in that god forsaken mirror
And realise what is looking back at you
It is not you
It is me