If that doesn’t get you going… What will?

Tonight I had the pleasure of watching half an hour of the most horrific documentary I have ever seen… 42 Stone Mum.

Thanks to TLC, tonight I have been successfully grossed out. It started with ‘Buried Alive’ detailing the life of a psychotic woman who’s house of crap should have burned down while she was being committed to a psychiatric hospital and has now ended with me retiring to my bedroom while the husband watches 42 Stone Mum in the lounge. The reason I retired to my room was because ‘it’ started eating on screen and never in my life have I been so grossed out… I believe my words were “She is acting like Jabba the hut and I expect her to start eating one of her children”.

Funny how this horrific documentary revolving around a woman who is in dire need of help has made me look at my own life so distastefully. I look at myself in the mirror and absolute hate what I see, how much weight I have put on since having my children and my ongoing struggle to get back to a healthy weight that I feel comfortable at. How on earth could this 300kg woman feel? She doesn’t even have a mirror that big???

I have this amazing urge to go to gym, work out, sweat like a pig and burn the fat off… I know it doesn’t work like that but I could think of nothing worse than looking like this woman on tv. I have even thought of blowing up this woman’s picture and sticking it on the fridge so that it will deter me from eating… That most certainly is not the answer but I am sure it will help.

Every now and then our motivation comes in the most unusual form… I am going to gym tomorrow. No doubt about it. Consider me motivated.

Lifelong companions… By force.

I didn’t choose the companion that walks the road of life with me and has done so since I was 11 years old. I didn’t ask her to hold my hand and had I been given a choice, I would have preferred she stayed behind or found someone else to follow… But she didn’t. She chose me.

They say (they being those who believe that they’re qualified to offer up tidbits of motivation without the slightest clue or experience) that in life, you’re not going to be given anything you cannot handle and everything you are faced with only shapes who you are, makes you a better person… And so on, and so forth. Tell me though, how do you explain to an 11 year old that she cannot go into the sun or wear a swimming costume because she has been gifted with a skin condition that may lead to permanent future damage, mentally and physically?

It may not be much to a person facing a terminal illness such as cancer or HIV but to me, a chronic condition called Psoriasis has plagued my life for more than half of it.

The truth is, the fear of the unknown can cause humankind to be a very nasty race at best. Growing up with psoriasis meant covering most of my body (much to my parents delight but my own distaste) most, if not all of the time because any visible plaque psoriasis would only mean cause for insult. The psoriasis covers / covered a large surface area of the body and these round, ringworm looking sores were extremely sensitive to sunlight and attracted unwelcome attention. Suddenly everyone around you is a dermatologist and wants to tell you how to take care of your eczema or dandruff. Unfortunately, though psoriasis affects everyone differently, mine was predominantly in my head on my scalp which meant large surfaces of flaky white skin that made me look like I battled to wash conditioner out of my hair correctly. It covered my arms from elbow to shoulder, my back, my legs from knees to ankles and my stomach and chest area… Psoriasis was a large part of why I felt at times like such a reserved teenager.

Unfortunately, growing up my parents could not afford medication or doctors visits and so it was only when living on my own and earning a decent salary that I was able to experiment with medications and find what worked for me. Psoriasis is an incurable chronic disease that can be managed through various treatments but at a rather extreme cost. My own case is rather mild in comparison to people who suffer with Psoriasis covering their entire bodies, I do not yet suffer from psoriatic arthritis thankfully and over the years my affected areas have healed up nicely leaving me with only a few spots and no need for medication. I have come to accept this now. However I am left with memories and experiences that having this disease afforded me…

It pains me to think of how cruel children can be. How ignorant adults can be. How unaccepting society can be. I experienced these discriminations first hand which pushed me to a sadness and depression. Though I’ve learned to overcome these challenges, I cannot help but think how different life could have been without this horrible ‘gift’.

You may think this is nothing compared to someone battling leukemia or a child with a deformity but never forget, everyone has their own ‘psoriasis’ in some form and to them, it can shape who they become… Who they are… Who they were and who they may never be.

For more information… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psoriasis

When in doubt… Do.

Forgive me body, for I have sinned. It has been one month since my last gym session…

One month and I have put all my weight back on.

One month of feeling horrid about how I look.

One month of distaste with the mirror. Ok I lie, that’s been years.

So how does one get back in touch with the treadmill? Unfortunately I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers. I joined gym in September 2012 in the hopes I’d lose all my excess weight, get back to an almost pre offspring body and finally fit into the multitude of clothing in my cupboard that eyeball me every time I remove something from my ‘Fat’ pile. Sadly… I learned that September is a most ridiculous time to join gym with Christmas being just around the over indulgence corner.

It is now March… I’ve skipped many an evening at gym, not for lack of trying but I’m still trying to find the balance. I’m trying to juggle my full time career, two children, dinner, homework and me time with gym visitation. I know exactly when my body fell off the fit bandwagon last year, when I decided to skip gym one evening. It only takes one time. Then you skip the next night… And the next until its a month later and you’re wondering why the weight is refusing to leave you (yes, I tell myself I’m that awesome that even calories hate to leave my side). That’s exactly what has happened to me… But now I need and want to get back on track.

No one said it would be easy, in fact it’s anything but. I realize I wanted too much to fast and as of today will be easing myself back into a manageable routine.

I am fighting this battle to get my body back but more importantly to be a fit and healthier me… If motivation is what you need then perhaps you’re not yet ready to commit to whatever it is you need to do. When you yourself are your own motivation and what you need to do suddenly becomes second nature, that’s when you will succeed. I may be there, or maybe not. All I know is that I went to gym today… And it felt good.


I have entered the world of Apple.

Steve Jobs would be proud… Or perhaps not considering the device I’m currently blogging with is the device he so boycotted shortly before his death. I am in fact, the owner of an iPad mini.

For those who know me and have known me for some time, the question is why. Why on earth would I cross over to the dark side? The answer? Sometimes it’s because crossing over doesn’t cost you anything. I have always been a Blackberry girl… I had a number of blackberry phones and relied heavily on BBM for my sanity. However Blackberry started getting old and everyone around me decided that Android or Apple was a better plan… At this stage I already had a Playbook and my actual phone and so the idea of moving away from BB scared me. So did the prospect of an exorbitant data usage bill. My birthday was coming up and I decided that I was ready for the jump and increase in my phone bill.

For my birthday last year, hubby gave me the choice. iPhone or Samsung S3. I opted for the Samsung, of course. Purely because I have never been a fan of Apple and he has and so it was easier to reject his claims that Apple was the superior smart brand all around. I loved my Samsung from the second I got it and honestly have never had a problem with actually paying for data now that the phone I own warrants decent data usage.

I have since been hoping for an Android tablet and I would be set. Happy days. Or not…

My husband won an iPad Mini recently through a conference he attended and already being the owner of the latest iPad, iPhone and Mac (Where is the ‘I’ in that?) he promptly pushed the mini into my hands quite happy with himself for finally getting me to crossover into the Apple market. So now, as a previous user of multiple Blackberry devices and currently an Android device, I’m faced with yet another smart product. The apple device. An enigma. A device that puts the x square on the wrong side of the screen… But hey, it was free.

The problem here is not the device which overall after two days of setup is actually rather fairly easy (and without a jailbreak quite expensive) to use. The problem is indeed a PICNIT error…. problem in chair not in tablet. The problem is that my brain is overloaded with a million and one interfaces and whilst trying to function, remembering to gym and actually breathe, I now have to remember that my iPad has no BBM and that my Android has no iTunes… All this and I still manage to get to work and operate a Windows PC.

You see… I wouldn’t consider myself technophobic or a techno peasant (in the husbands words) by any means, actually, I think I’m quite the smart device tart. With all this technology I’m still supposed to interact with actual human beings. How? While I’m syncing my iTunes, feeding the animals in the android zoo and rebooting the PC at the office the last thing on my mind is picking up the phone… In fact, I steer clear of it.

To my 7 year olds delight, she has now inherited my Blackberry (RIP) and since the iPad, my Blackberry Playbook as well. The happiest child around who operates her smart devices better than I do! While all of this technology makes me stop and a catch my breath, to her it is a way a life!

The common plus on all of my devices? Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Whatsapp. LinkedIn. Gmail. Google plus. I am a social networking diva:)

The moral of the story. Who says you have to conform to the norm… I doubt I will ever be all apple, android or blackberry but who cares? The family that social networks together, stays together.

Leadership vs incompetence


Leadership vs incompetent?

On my path to success it seems like hurdles and speed bumps are plentiful. It’s been a long time coming that I’ve needed (and wanted) to make the jump from being extremely qualified in my position to a newbie in a leadership role. I have been blocked and sidelined before and yet now, finally my time to shine has come along…

2 months into an almost probationary position, I feel like I’ve been doing an amazing job and have thoroughly enjoyed it… my team are performing, I am performing (more than what is expected of me) and I feel recognised, like I’m finally doing a job I was made to do (born to do even). In the process, my superiors recognised this in me and sent me on training based on my promotion requirement which runs for 3 months and started a few weeks back.

Part of this training required an EQ assessment… something that has ruined my day.
Since doing the assessment which my company pays for me to do, I’ve been extremely nervous and apprehensive about the results. It timed out 4 times so already by the 5th try I was extremely frustrated (not just an excuse, promise).

Today was the day that the dreaded feedback came. It wasn’t good.

The positives that came out of the assessment were my assertiveness,  independence, happiness and optimism. That is all… every other EQ skill was an area that required development. This includes my confidence, stress management, problem solving and reality skills. Basically my assessment says that I’m not yet ready to be a leader.

I really don’t understand it at all😦 I’ve had positive feedback from my team, my manager and a number of people around me about how well I’ve done, not that there is no room for improvement but I handle stress extremely well, I don’t understand how this assessment says otherwise?! That goes for a number of lacking skills it pointed out. My self awareness scored low and yet I’m well aware of my goals and am making every effort to work towards it, this makes no sense?

Needless to say I’ve been left feeling extremely demotivated and the question in my head… what if I thought I was ready and science proved me wrong?